I apologize in advance. I just need to vent and be real. I have no sugar to coat the way I feel right now. There’s no silver in my storm cloud.
I’ve reached my limit of BS. Call me naive, call me stupid, delusional, hell I accept the term crazy willingly. But the last time I checked, if you aren’t 16-and-breaking-up-with-your-high-school-boyfriend-but-can’t-really-let-go-so-you-cling-on-to-family-and-friends-of-your-ex-hoping-against-hope-that-you-can-stick-around-that-way, then when it’s over, its freaking over. The only “actual” family that you share now, is the child you created. Unless you are in some unbelievably unrealistic awesome co-parenting friendship situation, then you live your lives. She does not get to dictate and direct your life with your family, nor do you get a say in what she does with her family. And under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you show up at the birth, the actual freaking birth, of a child in the other persons family. Uninvited. Show up. Sit through 5 hours of labor with your ex’s parents and sibling, and await this wonderful FAMILY moment. And then blame the child you share as your excuse for interrupting and invading this PRIVATE family moment. Your “logical” reason for just planting yourself firmly, like a Goddamn idol, in the middle of this family that is just trying to move on without you, and without pissing you off, is selfish and down right bullshit. Seriously. Move on. You wanted nothing to do with them when you shared a name. Why the sudden interest?
Again, I apologize to you awesome people who support me. This is just really, really, really depressing day. I’m looking at the future and accepting that this, will never be better. This will never be different. This will never change. So where do I fit in? I did not birth this wonderful little thing that we all have in common, so when she shows up with her, I’m automatically put to the back, out of sight. I know this isn’t true. But it is how I feel. I don’t want to make waves. I don’t want to upset people who are already upset by her presence. They didn’t ask for this life. Nor did I. We didn’t earn this little slice of hell we call home, but yet we struggle through it together. Just trying to find my place in this broken family.