Tag Archives: crazy

This one is angry, and I’m just venting….don’t lose faith in me

28 Wednesday Jan 2015

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I apologize in advance. I just need to vent and be real. I have no sugar to coat the way I feel right now. There’s no silver in my storm cloud.

I’ve reached my limit of BS. Call me naive, call me stupid, delusional, hell I accept the term crazy willingly. But the last time I checked, if you aren’t 16-and-breaking-up-with-your-high-school-boyfriend-but-can’t-really-let-go-so-you-cling-on-to-family-and-friends-of-your-ex-hoping-against-hope-that-you-can-stick-around-that-way, then when it’s over, its freaking over. The only “actual” family that you share now, is the child you created. Unless you are in some unbelievably unrealistic awesome co-parenting friendship situation, then you live your lives. She does not get to dictate and direct your life with your family, nor do you get a say in what she does with her family. And under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you show up at the birth, the actual freaking birth, of a child in the other persons family. Uninvited. Show up. Sit through 5 hours of labor with your ex’s parents and sibling, and await this wonderful FAMILY moment. And then blame the child you share as your excuse for interrupting and invading this PRIVATE family moment. Your “logical” reason for just planting yourself firmly, like a Goddamn idol, in the middle of this family that is just trying to move on without you, and without pissing you off, is selfish and down right bullshit. Seriously. Move on. You wanted nothing to do with them when you shared a name. Why the sudden interest?

Again, I apologize to you awesome people who support me. This is just really, really, really depressing day. I’m looking at the future and accepting that this, will never be better. This will never be different. This will never change. So where do I fit in? I did not birth this wonderful little thing that we all have in common, so when she shows up with her, I’m automatically put to the back, out of sight. I know this isn’t true. But it is how I feel. I don’t want to make waves. I don’t want to upset people who are already upset by her presence. They didn’t ask for this life. Nor did I. We didn’t earn this little slice of hell we call home, but yet we struggle through it together. Just trying to find my place in this broken family.

Jealousy, and letting go

05 Monday Jan 2015

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The past is in the past. Unless its your past. Then I want to talk about it. I want to analyze it. I want to stress over it. Cry over it. Wonder why I missed out on the biggest firsts of all time. (At least of my all time) I don’t understand why milestones are so important to me. I know when I was younger I always had this fantasy dream about forever. That it was all cupcakes and roses and freaking teddy bears.

Then life punches you in the throat.

You think you’re smart. You think you learn. You feel like, yea, I’ve made some pretty dumb choices, but they’ve all led me to here, and I’m learning dammit! you hear a song on the radio about all the heartache leading to you and it calms your spirit just a little. You decide, I can muddle through.

In all the patience and dealing and analyzing and reacting that we do as step mothers to manage the chaos of being a step mother, when do we have time for our own regular insecurities that we’ve been working on for decades? When do we get to “freak out” over the stupid stuff again? There’s no time! There’s no room in your brain! And eventually all of that “stupid stuff” you were working on to improve yourself as a functional human in today’s society, gets piled up behind you and starts to blur with today’s “normal step mom stuff” and you really aren’t sure if you’re letting go when you should “Let it gooooooo” or holding on to a mole hill that somehow looks like a freakin mountain. So then it becomes all or nothing.

I’ve been consistently demonstrating multiple attitudes towards all of the drama and chaos. I want to know everything. So I know everything, I’m involved in everything, I do everything. Then that gets too emotionally overwhelming, so I chuck the towel at someone’s head, throw my arms up, yell “Uncle” and bail. Informational blackout. Emotional shut down. I don’t want to know anything, I refuse to plan, be involved, learn, adapt, assist, etc. And then it all goes sideways. So I’m back in like a referee planning, adapting, avoiding, and prepping for doomsday.

Does this sound like a full time salaried job that you work 80 hours a week at? Can I hire an assistant? Can I get an event planner? A judge? Jury? How about someone to just clean the windows and give me a brighter view of the rest of the world. Being a parent is hard, nobody tells you being a step mom with her own issues, her own fears, her own concept of understanding ruling her world, is going to be one hell of a handful on your psyche.

I left my shoes in San Francisco….it’s not always serious :)

26 Wednesday Nov 2014

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For all of you wanna-be runners out there (And I say that with the utmost respect, as I am one of you). A word of caution: If it’s been awhile since you laced up, might I recommend not lacing up on 60 degree inclines.

I recently had to opportunity to go on a “Freedom Fest” in San Francisco. I cashed in my miles and booked a solo trip for some much-needed rest and recuperation. I was all sorts of jacked up to see the city, explore, eat, wander aimlessly, and kick-start my running career. (Did I mention in a moment of panic and sheer aimlessness I signed up for a half marathon in less than 6 months?!!!) I flew in late in the afternoon, found my way around the city on the BART, had a lovely sushi meal, explored a little, and promptly fell asleep early.

I awoke the next morning before 6AM, lets face it, old habits die-hard even on vacation. I sprang out of bed, dusted off my running pants, and laced up; fresh-faced, bright-eyed, and bushy-tailed, ready to seize the run! I went down to the hotel lobby where they were rocking (loudly) some GaGa song, and felt renewed energy I haven’t felt in a long time. I was pretty darn motivated. I walked out the front door and stopped. People were passing by the hotel, clutching their collars around their necks, holding fiercely to their umbrellas, and gawking at me with my running shoes on and headphones in, as if to say “She can’t be serious.” I stood there a moment, both taking them in and allowing them to take me in. By God it was raining in San Fran, and these people thought I was bananas! I flipped to the next song on my playlist and took off running in the rain. I don’t know if you’ve run in the rain or snow before, but where I’m from, if it’s not a freezing rain, it’s a blast to run in! I quickly passed the “huddle walkers” and started off on my laced up adventure.

I made it 1.5 miles. Up hill. Both ways. I thought my legs were going to just break off and walk away, possibly middle-toe me on their exit. My lungs were burning for oxygen, my head was dizzy. It was an impossible run. And it was my first since August.

Fool.

But I was proud of myself. I was alone in a new city. I was out on a run in the rain. I was rocking 15 minute miles up hill the whole way. I deserved a Starbucks for this! I stopped in at the nearest SB, ordered my traditional, and walked confidently out the front door. It was here that I realized, holy biscuits, I’m totally lost in this city. Up is down and right is left in SF. So much of the city is surrounded by water, so if you can see over the hill to know there’s water there, depending on where exactly you might be in the city, that could be west….that could be south. Or was it North?

No sweat I thought, I’ll wander. Maybe do some Christmas shopping along the way. Maybe I’ll even stop in and disturb the Prada people with my sweaty, rain-soaked mess of an excuse for a human. I wandered aimlessly, fully believing my direction would right itself in the end, and sipped my SB happily. Eventually, my venti was gone, and I was starting to recognize where I was. I was feeling so upbeat and positive that I thought, “Why not run again?”

Let me just point out this obvious flaw for you: Do not have a Starbucks after a run, then decide to run again once it is gone.

This was a fatal flaw, lets just say by the time I ran through the front door of the hotel I must have been a sight to see: Dripping wet, red-faced, bent in half, near dead. The broken elevator could not get there fast enough, and there was no way I was running another 6 flights of stairs.  Needless to say, I made it to my room, and spent the next few hours recovering.

Always be motivated and excited by the newness of your situation and be certain that your coffee intake is situationally appropriate.

Damage Control

18 Tuesday Nov 2014

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Let’s talk about the bigger picture.

There are a lot of people in my tiny little circle. Ok that’s already a contradiction in and of itself. My tiny little circle, which is tiny, and I like it tiny, and I keep it tiny on purpose, for a reason. But, of this little circle, I’m starting to sense that the majority of us are just hovering, barely hanging on to this side of “Not crazy”. Some of us like to call it a ledge. We often will text each other and say, “Ledge!!!!!” Which means, “You need to call me right now, and tell me if I’m crazy, or tell me if I’m completely in my rational, sane mind”.

I fully welcome one of the 3 people who I would text this to, to call me and say, “You are out of your mind, not cool.” And I’ll take that and I’ll listen to why they think that, and I’ll apply it. I’ll consider it. But I’m starting to think that all of us are hovering, just hovering on the loony bin. Our ledge has collectively molded into one, and is standing over this 1,000 foot drop…

Into a padded cell.

We have stocked our community padded cell with various accoutrement. Some of us have vodka. Some of us have whiskey, that’s the latest one. Some of us have books and wine. Some of us have music to just, blissfully coast through the rest of eternity. Usually we are able to pull each other back from that ledge. Back from a full sprint into the free fall of insanity off our ledge. We are able to talk each other down. Be positive, find the light. Turn a situation around so that it is not as bad as we think it is. And lately, I’m starting to see that, we’re having a hard time looking at the bigger picture. Because the bigger picture is terrifying.

To pull back and look at it all in one giant swoop, is just

Terrifying.

I think all of us are hiding in the day-to-day, minute to minute, hour to hour stuff that we have to do to manage the current crisis. Because if we pulled back and looked at it in a bigger scope, I think it would be overwhelming. I think it would overwhelm each one of us on a different level because we’ve all got a different weird big picture to look at. None of ours are the same, but it would overwhelm us. I think it would cripple me. If I looked at it all, if I looked at everything. From work, two years from now. To school. To Bacon and all of his growth and growth that still needs to happen. To my own work that I need to do on myself. To Peanut and the possibility of things that we do now corrupting the innocence she has later. Things that she may hold onto subconsciously that we don’t even know she’s holding onto. Things we don’t even know we’ve said. Things that her mom has said. We have no idea how to combat it. And the idea of stepping back, and looking at all of it and thinking, maybe if I look at it in the bigger picture I can constructively form a plan and I can make a spreadsheet, and I can figure this out. We can do this! I think it would cripple me if I stepped back, and really looked at it.

So where does that fear come from? That’s the question. Does it come from the way we were raised? Were we raised to live minute by minute? Do we have parents or parental figures in our lives that just keep going? Just keep going keep going keep going. They never necessarily, I’m not saying they don’t make a plan, but they’re constantly reacting and doing damage control. And what is damage control when you really think about it? Damage control is spinning whatever just happened, or blew up in your face, into a positive direction. Using it positively. Finding a way to work within the boundaries of that bomb that just went off in your life. Finding a way to adapt. Isn’t that truly what damage control is? Because you can’t take back the past, nobody can take it back. But isn’t that essentially at the root core of it, what damage control is about: finding a way to adapt to the things you can’t control. And really, at the end of the day, control is an allusion we invented to bring ourselves peace. We don’t really have control over anything other than ourselves (And I’m not too certain about the consistency). So maybe when there are fires surrounding us, and too many crisis to manage, maybe we look at all the “damage control” differently. Maybe instead of hitting the panic button, and throwing ourselves willingly off the ledge, maybe we starting looking at all these fires as God or mother Nature or the universe’s challenge: You were built to adapt. You were made to not only survive, but thrive. And today is just another day to prove it.